Monday, October 27, 2008

This Bud's For You

Side note: crazy drunk dude from last post, is a teacher at my school. The next day I saw him in line at the cafeteria while I was purchasing my eco friendly water that gives portions of money to build wells in impoverished nations and he got oil from the vats in the kitchen. He was still a douche bag in line.

I woke up ridiculously late for school, well, I usually wake up ridiculously early for school, so I guess it'd actually just be normal time. Anyways, this throws me off my normal bus routine with the usual suspects, but there were some prime candidates that made this little mix up worth while. I don't know Airwalk was still in business, but apparently they are and thriving off the Los Angeles metro go-ers. You'd think something hard to find would be more expensive, like limited edition, hmm limited edition Airwalks, do they have those? Maybe I'm just missing something and not shopping my local sneaker barn enough. Props to Airwalks, let '94 live on. But something that baffles me even more than keeping 90's apparel alive that isn't flannels is "silky button ups". Granted this term is not dictionary bound, but has defiantly planted ground in my vocabulary almost daily.You too have seen this divine piece of garment worn at your local market, the mall, and even worse, THE club. This "silky button up" consists of just that, a button up that is somewhat flow like material that usually is kept for middle aged golf players hitting balls in Florida, but also has one key element that crosses the line from golf pro to "how old are you again?" There usually is some sort of tribal all over print overlaying an obnoxious colored shirt that looks like a sunset, or some sort of ferocious animal such as a panther or my personal favorite, Dragon Ball Z. The kind of people that wear the unmistakeable silky button up are never surprising, it's just surprising they detached from their game console for a brief moment to hit the food court. But then there's the once and a while too good to pass up dude that embodies the button up better than the Worlds of Warcraft nerds, "the Player." This black guy (out of the norm, its usually asians and acne white dudes) guy on the bus was "the Player" in full effect. He wore the fuck out of his Bangle Tiger silky button up, it was even accented with Asian characters to give it extra flare. What really did it for me though, was the black tribal against his skin, hard to make out, but undeniable. This Bud's for you mister silky button up cool guy, for wearing it out in public and rocking that fake platinum chain so hard almost makes you legit in my book. Not only is riding the metro awkward 8 out of 10 times mostly because I'm the only blonde person to grace the aisle, but because of the siting vs. standing arrangement. This morning as I decided to sit in the mid section of the bus that connects the front to the back, just incase of an accident and we jack knife I'll be the first to go. But because of the time difference in my riding schedule the bus was packed and thank God I didn't have stand, but today, I would have much rather to do so. I had some Hispanic, navy blue Dickie's wearing, Cortez ese groping his Shy Girl baby moma standing right on top of me. Normally, I wouldn't mind such a situation, but when the situation heads south and your Papi straddles my knee and obviously is grinding me not going with the rocking of the bus, I'm likely to have issues. It might be one of the rare instances in which I had no idea what to do, I couldn't move my legs, I'm not going to be all "hey I'm not really into playin pony today, so could you get the fuck off?," and I'm not about to scrap some baby oil haired bitch about her joke of a man. So, I suffer. Dear metro, you are at times extremely awkward. 


I could have certainly over looked the gems that were presented to me this after noon on my way home, but why? As I was entering the surprisingly on time metro, I swear to God himself that Snoop Dogg got off. It all happened so fast, but with reasonable doubt I still believe that it was him. So the events that follow on this mini adventure are an accumulation of "wtf" and "fuck right off"s. My main goal is to be super sneaky undercover lurk specialist, and I do my job with ease and technique with the help of sunglasses and hard facial expressions. Behind my tinted lens I'm unbeknownst to you making eye contact, Mr. Bus go-er, and little do you know that while you are doing your best to lock eyes with me and create a craiglist misconnection, I am looking back throwing up in my throat. Like the Mexican dude sitting in the corner staring at me as if you REALLY DID have x-ray vision you fucking pervo making pouting faces at me like you're secretly blowing kisses. You can go ahead and fuck off. And the trashy bitch talking so loud that I can even hear her breathing patterns through her only 2 words "motherfucker" and "ouwhhhh" trying to talk as ghetto as possible to the cracked out black dude with 2 week old braids that are falling out and fro-ing around his head. I thought if this bus were to stop suddenly, I'd fly into her folds and get lost for weeks. And ultimate creep move of the day, the he/she that sat down, lurked the bus, then moved to the open seat right in front of me and stared at me the remainder of the ride while you also played on your nintendo DS, diddling yourself. FUCK YOU BENCH SEATING! goddamn the bus. But its so good at the same time.



Also, completely irrelevant to the bus, but more to Los Angeles Valley College guy student body. Attention to all guys that believe they are fashionable, Ed Hardy is not fashionable. And while we're at it, lets just give a huge shout out to any dude that thinks Ed Hardy looks good, it doesn't. Sorry to burst your bubble.


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