Saturday, November 15, 2008


As much as I bitch and complain slash love the bus, that should be my ONLY means of transpiration. One being, driving with half of you, I swear to God, I might as well just sit in an oversized tire and roll myself around traffic, because that actually seems more than 3/4 safer than putting a strap-o-death over me while in your passenger seat. Leave the fast driving to Dale, the power slides to tokyo drifting and driving slower than my rock tumbler polishing my geo's to the old people, and for fuck sake, learn to how to merge this isn't "CLUELESS". The only person I can stand driving with is Martine, mostly because we've had 5 years of WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT 3 LANE CHANGE and SLOW THE FUCK DOWN SPEED RACER to get a happy middle ground. But people as a mass, should never drive. Everyone thinks they are impeccable at driving, even the DMV lady that passed me and I wasn't even sure she could touch the steering wheel past that "extra love" layer she hung out with. Not having a car has forced me to fall in love with LA's WORST fucking transportation system, but also a new appreciation for bikers. And I really am not talking about the Lance's that prance around in their unitards, I'm talking about the jawn's that wear their Carl's Jr. uniform and bike to work. You are the lone ranger, not in a Tour De Prance circle jerk. While you ride, your main objective is not to reach your destination, but to not get fucking hit. I have learned on the mean streets of LA, no one fucking cares, and if you're on a bike, you're fucked. NO ONE PAYS ANY FUCKING ATTENTION, I knew this from years of car accidents I was apart of or had the chance to witness. But while biking, you might as well throw yourself on the hood of that car, because it's going to happen anyways.
In the span of a less than 30 minute trip to 7-11 and back from the library, I almost got hit 5 fucking times, 3 from the same parking lot. I did the whole, raise your arms up and yell mean shit thing, but this one bitch.... this ONE FUCKING BITCH. Yeah, fuck you and your Michael's craft store experience because you almost made me into a "RED ASPHALT" statistic. We'll say her name is "Yvon" (cos its a French ass name) and we'll say she was going MACH 24 in a parking lot as she was approaching the street to exit, I am on the side walk (because if you know anything about riding a bike down here, you don't ride in the street if you want to live, kinda like an Arnold thing to say...but true) riding my 7 speed listening to my jams because thats the only way I roll. Yvon over here, doesn't even look, I'm almost positive she didn't even look at the traffic she was merging into, just was going to "chance it" and see how it worked out, and I'm approaching. I'm in the right because I'm pretty much in the drive way by this point and she still hasn't seen me, I freak. What is this bitch doing, are you seriously going to hit me with your Lexus SUV? Still doesn't see me, no way am I going to make it across the drive way so I stop because she's fucking hitting the NOS tanks to get into the street and out of this parking lot. STILL DOESN'T FUCKING SEE ME! My only reaction is to throw my hot dog bun full of condiments (my dinner) at this bitches fucking wack ass car, it splatters and she halts. She tries to scream at me, I'm all thinking you know whattt YOU'R RIGHT, I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE BIKING ON A PUBLIC STREET IN THE WAY OF YOUR INDIE 5000. So me being the bitch I am stop right in front of her car and proceed to say "OH WELL HELLO THERE TOO, YOU FUCKING DUMB CUNT. I'M SO GLAD YOU HAVE A LICENSE AND I DON'T, MAYBE YOU SHOULD PAY ATTENTION AND GET THE FUCK OFF MY EARTH." I at that point was amused, she was furious. I'm thinking, yes, get mad, you almost killed me, makes sense, and rode on. Riding a bike in LA, fucking sucks. People fucking suck. It's just me and the metro from here on out.

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